Darth Deceivious

Now for something completely different. I took a moment away from our current projects to illustrate an idea I have had for a while.

many years and pounds ago on the south coast of spain.

I shared this theory a little while ago and I thought I should update it because the story has moved further downward. We are passing into another chapter of my theory. If you haven’t read this before, read on. If you have skip to the bottom. Before I begin I have to tell you that I first met Lance Armstrong the same year he signed with Cofidis. I was a footwear designer and cyclist living in Portland, Oregon. I remember very clearly when he arrived with Bill Stapleton for his first Nike meeting. Then being completely awestruck when I got to take him out on a short ride later that day. I marveled at his pedal stroke. He did not have that European “souplesse” I expected from a World Champion. He just made the bike groan under the power he put into it. I really felt bad for the bike. A couple months later Lance’s world came crashing down and you all know what happened next. When Lance started his comeback a little team of us began working on his shoe again and had his first pair ready for the World Championships in Valkenburg, Netherlands. A couple 4th places would be the launching pad to 7 more pairs of shoes and 7 Tour de France victories. During that time I never considered myself on the “inside circle” but was honored be a small part of something really amazing. I have so many unbelievable memories of that time and Lance is still one of my Heros. All this is to say that when someone found out I knew Lance I would inevitably get this question.

“You know Lance, Does he dope or not?” Upon hearing this my internal harddrive would freeze up. I hate this question. While that swirly circle of color spun in my tiny brain a collision of random thoughts transpired that sounded something like this.
No, yes, no, yes, who cares, everyone cheats, no most definitely not, crush those tiny frog disbelievers, winning at all costs is worth it, why the hell would he tell me anyway, even if he does, 20 million dollars in endorsements for a win, absolute crap for second place? I so want to remove myself from this situation and this question. This is a no win argument from any perspective.

While searching all of my memories for some telling sign of proof positive or proof of innocence all of these thoughts collided into a new random output. When the computer rebooted for the 100th time a new answer clear.

The Answer. Lance is a Sith Lord in training.

I will give you the premise and then state the supporting facts or related story. You can put it together from there and see if you come to the same conclusion.

The first connection is in the name. Comparing Sky-Walker to Arm-Strong would only have been easier if his name was Legstrong.

I used to say that Lance was an alien on earth, a SuperMan of sorts but then that gave way to the idea that Lance started as a science experiment. I clearly see a bunch of genetic engineers sitting around a table a working out a wish list for the perfect design of World Championship cyclist. Some Area 51 blackops group were one of them was a bearded cat 3 on the weekend.
First item on the list. Start with good DNA. On a LIVESTRONG ride in Portland I got to ride directly behind Lance and the now thin and fit Eddy Merckx. I couldn’t help but notice that they were damn near identical on the bike. Same height, Same leg length, Same leg to torso ratio. Same weird curve in their back. The next time I was in line behind them they had switched places and I was confused about who was who.
This started to make sense combined with the rumor that there was some “weirdo” out there who paid certain cyclist lots of cash for an unwashed pair of race-worn cycling shorts. Eeeeewww you say. DNA I say. I wondered if a pair of Eddy’s shorts went missing back in the day. Eddy was on fire in 1970.

Number two. Get a big engine. In a chat with Lance’s Doctor Craig Nichols he mentioned that Lance’s heart was HUGE, and his superior vena cava was the size of a typical sink drain. So large in fact the heart specialist that first took a look at Lances X-rays said that he was a walking dead man. His heart was about to explode from some disease he had seen before. After meeting Lance he agreed he wasn’t about to die. Not from heart disease anyway.

Big Lungs. Lance has a “genetic anomaly” that curves his back and ribcage in a very strange way. When heeled over on the bike he does not have that classic flat back all those pros in the 70’s had. This does two things. It allows his lungs to expand more than the normal human and gives him a naturally aerodynamic shape. We have all seen those TT skinsuited clockstoppers with hydro packs in the same spot to get that curve right.

Lactic Acid. The less Lance produces the longer his muscles function. I pulled this quote from a National Geographic article written in 2005 by Stefan Lovgren. “In addition to a high VO2 max, Coyle’s components include low lactic acid levels, and Armstrong has the lowest levels Coyle has ever seen.” (Ed Coyle, director of the Human Performance Laboratory at the University of Texas at Austin)

The “Force” of a Champion. We have all heard the stories about the country sized ego of Mr. Armstrong. I see this differently. I have been fortunate enough to meet a few champions in different disciplines and they all share the same quality. They believe that when they are having a good day they can’t be beaten. To the mere citizen of the empire, this most likely comes off as being an asshole, or at least one of those stuck up Jedi’s. Especially given the amount worthless, wanna be, senators around talking crap but not actually doing anything. You can achieve great things in a pod race or X-wing when you don’t think you can loose.

“Say no to drugs.” My whole premise is that he doesn’t cheat, because he has all the powers of a Sith Lord. Lance doesn’t need drugs. If you wonder wether or not Lance possess a huge ability to wield power over people with his mind control you just have to look at this time and time again. “These are not the drugs you are looking for.” Unfortunately, Frankie, Tyler and Floyd were Jedi’s in training that had not mastered this mind bending technique and are now sitting in some Evil Empire jail somewhere. Even before that big shiny ball with all the needles descends into the doorway of their cell they have already been labeled as “Loony” and their light sabers have been taken away.

Now that we have the physical being we need to address the story line. One only needs to summarize and compare the arch of our Hero’s journey with that of Star Wars. It begins on a hot barren landscape. (Texas in the summer) An attractive single woman with hardships aplenty gives birth to a son. She is slavishly devoted to him and teaches him right from wrong while allowing him the freedom to find his limits. Dad is not part of the picture and really can’t be explained.(midi-chlorians are crap) The youngster shows amazing talent early on and becomes a Jedi quickly. (World Champ at 21) In a surprise twist the young man goes into the dark cave (Cancer) to confront his fears and loses a body part. He reemerges with a new vigor and saves the universe many times over. (7 record setting Tour de France wins, creating LIVESTRONG for cancer battlers and survivors everywhere) At this point in the story the music changes and a foreboding shadow cuts across the scene. The Dark Side of the Force is about to test our Hero. This is where we are in the story right now. Lance has been shunned by the council. He is going down in a ball of flames. What will he do. Will he go quietly into the night and dissappear forever. I doubt it. He is going wait a bit and then Attack the Temple. Taking everyone he can down with him. Once out he will disappear for a while, be “reborn” yet again and then we should all watch out. The Sith Lord (George Bush, Texas chum of Lance’s) has found the right moment and tell him how the universe really works. Somewhere in here he throws Lemond out a window never to be seen again. There won’t be any Jedi left at all. I guess we’ll all have to Turn to Nascar for a while. It will be a sad day for the Empire. Oh, and lets not forget the name of Lance’s son. It is Luke.


Anakin SkyWalker Lance Armstrong
Qui-Gon Jinn Eddy Merckx
Obi-Wan Kenobi Johan Bruyneel
Padme Amidala Kristin (Richard) Armstrong
Palpatine George Bush
Shmi Skywalker Linda Armstrong
Jar Jar Binks John Korioth